It's Not Me, It's You: Reframing Your Thought Process When You've Been Ghosted
Posted: October 1, 2019
Today I’d like to talk about ghosting. My guess is the majority of people reading this have been there, I know I have and it has felt oh so terrible. Nothing seems to create self doubt the way ghosting does.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about lucky you! Ghosting is essentially a disappearing act for the digital age. It’s when someone you were connected to just totally vanishes from your life without explanation. No text, no phone call, nada. And no response to any of those things either. As Heidi Klum would say, one day they’re in, the next day they’re out. It can be SO maddening. While ghosting can happen in any type of relationship, for the purpose of this post I’m talking about it in regards to dating and romantic relationships.
While I sadly don’t have a cure for ghosting and wish that everyone could just be upfront with each other, I do have some ideas about the negative thought process (sometimes downward spiral) that occurs when this happens. I mean, I’ve been there too. It blows.
I know so many women who have dealt with this. Let’s face it, with the increased use of technology and dating apps it has become easier than ever to behave this way. Why have a challenging conversation with someone about why it’s not working when you can just fade away into the universe, right? WRONG. Unfortunately, that behavior comes at a price for the person on the receiving end. Here are some common thoughts and beliefs I hear when this happens:
“I’m not good enough”
“I’m not pretty enough”
“I’m not smart enough”
“I’m not worthy of love”
“I’ll never find someone”
“Why can’t I have what my friends have?”
“What am I doing wrong?”
The list goes on but you get it. Rarely do I ever hear that there is something wrong with the other person, the person who disappeared without a trace and didn’t have the courage to talk about how they felt. And hey, I get it. If we don’t know why something happened we kind of invent the story ourselves. We create a narrative to help explain and process what’s going on, and often times that leads to a harsh inner critic.
But I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way. You are worthy of love and you are enough just the way you are! No really, it’s true.
When this comes up in therapy I often ask “is this the kind of behavior you would want in a partner anyway?” and the answer is always no.
We don’t have control over other people’s behavior but what we can control is how we talk to ourselves.
The next time you find yourself in a situation like this I’d like to invite you to challenge those self blaming, dark, critical thoughts. Go ahead, push back against them!
Here are some examples of how you can do that:
Instead of saying:
“It must be something I did”
Say:
“There is nothing I could have done that warrants someone to just disappear from my life”
Instead of saying:
“I’m not _____ enough (pretty, smart, good, funny, etc.)”
Say:
“I’m worthy of love and deserve open and honest communication”
Instead of saying:
“What am I doing wrong?”
Say:
“The person who behaves this way is flawed, not me.”
The point is, even if there were fundamental issues with the relationship and things that were not going well, no one deserves to be ignored and abandoned. It’s important to remind yourself that these behaviors are not welcome in your life and that ultimately it’s not you, it’s them.
Sometimes it can be hard to reroute these thoughts. As a therapist I spend time with my clients examining just how these thoughts developed. Whether they come from childhood wounds or previous negative experiences you may find it hard to just replace them so easily. If that sounds true for you, you may consider working with a therapist (like me!) to help you explore that deeper.